Parodypasta: Kuzco and Pacha vs Panic and Pain

Disney has some explaining to do.

Parodypasta Theory: Emperor Kuzco and Pacha vs. Panic and Pain

A short story by Emma Lee Downs.

Summary: A parody of the theory pastas on the internet. I hope that you enjoy it.

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Parodypasta Theory: Emperor Kuzco and Pacha vs. Panic and Pain

By: Emma Lee Downs

Many people are familiar with the classic Disney film The Emperor’s New Groove and the animated Disney movie classic Hercules. But what people don’t know is that Emperor Kuzco and the tall blue imp Panic are actually the same character. Pacha and fat red imp Pain are pretty much the same character as well. I don’t mean that the same voice actors that played Panic and Pain also played Kuzco and Pacha or that the character designs of Kuzco and Pacha were inspired by the familiar servants of Hades from the epic Disney film. I mean that they are literally the same characters.

First of all, there is the obvious similarity between the wise-cracking remarks made by Kuzco and Panic and Pacha and Pain. These two comedy duos also have a similar dynamic, playing off each’s other faults for laughs. Emperor Kuzco and Panic are both intelligent and have a bit of a mean streak. Pacha and Pain are both down-to-earth characters that prefer to remain low-key.

Emperor Kuzco and Panic look exactly the same, save the fact that Panic is tall, blue, and some kind of weird goblin thing. I don’t know, that was never really explained. Also, Pain looks exactly like Pacha, save the fact that Pain is red and isn’t married yet due to the fact that it was harder to get married in ancient Greece. The Gods and Goddess often liked to pick on married people, which is why a lot of people chose to be single and go on adventures to distract themselves from an entire existence of never being able to go on a date. This is where all of the great Greek legends came from. It’s amazing the things that can get done when you don’t have to worry about a significant other in your life.

Now, this all seems like a far stretch of the imagination but it isn’t as weird as some of the other theories floating around the internet. I mean have you ever read that one theory about Angelica from the Rugrats being a schizophrenic druggie? It’s a doozy. Read it if you are bored one day. Trust me when I tell you that it won’t fail to entertain. This theory makes about as much sense as that one, so give it a chance. Anyway, enough of advertising other theories which I secretly like and think everyone should read but will never admit it so I pass it off as a b-rated joke in one of my own pastas. Let’s get back to my theory which is the best and most awesome theory on the internet because it involves Disney characters.

At the end of Hercules, Hades gets sucked down into the River of Souls. Pain and Panic make the remark that he might not get out of there. It’s clear from further legends about Hades that he eventually does, but by that time, Pain and Panic were already on their way to South America to start a new life free of crime. You could tell that that wanted to turn over a new leaf at the end of Hercules due to the fact that they really didn’t care that their master was drowning in the River of Souls. In fact, it almost seemed like they kind of enjoyed watching it which kind of makes them weirdos if you ask me, but that is beside the point.

The point it that they decided to go to South America because they always wanted to know what things were like there, having never visited it since it is on the other side of the world. It took them something like a hundred years or more to reach the continent, because they kept stopping on every major continent of the world to check out the local scenery and pick up souvenirs. They would later end up losing all of the purchased goods when they reached their destination rendering the purchase of the items a complete waste of time and money.

When Pain and Panic finally reached South America a hundred or more years later (notably free of any acquired merchandise from their journey), Pain decided to change his name to Kuzco and become the leader of the Incan empire because he always wanted to know what it was like to be in charge. He poofed himself into the form of a human baby tucked neatly into a basket with the nametag ‘Kuzco’ pinned to his infant jumper. He left himself on the doorstep of the royal castle-temple-like-thing. The current Emperor and Empress picked him up after hearing all of the crying outside. After some thought, they decided to raise him as their official successor to the throne since they couldn’t have any kids of their own and his appearance at their doorstep was oddly convenient.

Panic decided to change his name to Pacha, and poof himself into the form of a human toddler. He wandered up to an old couple who owned a llama farm and were the leaders of a local village. He was adopted by them on the spot. Later, he got married to a mortal woman named Chicha. He took over one of his parent’s farms when he grew up and became the leader of another village nearby that had been run by his mother’s side of the family for six generations. When he was not running the village he worked as a humble farmer to provide for his new family. He had a few kids because he also wanted to know what it was like to be a father.

You might be wondering why it seemed like Pacha had never formally met Kuzco before at the beginning of the film if they had in fact been imp friends in the old days. This is because they had lived apart from one another for so long that they actually did kind of forget that they used to work together. They also forgot that they were once goblin-like-creatures, having lived as human beings for so long that they actually turned into them.

There are a few hints in the Emperor’s New Groove that they are in fact the same characters though. For example, when the Emperor Kuzco has a flashback to what his life used to be like before being turned into a llama, many of the scenes are similar to the way Hades acted as lord of the underworld. The only way Kuzco would know how to act like this is if he witnessed it first hand as Hades’ assistant Pain. The first time Pacha meets Kuzco in the flashback, they immediately ‘click’ like they have known each other in a previous life. Or, rather, in another time when they both worked together as Hades’ minions in the days of ancient Greece.

Another hint that they were once ethereal servants of Hades is the fact that Pacha calls Kuzco a ‘demon llama’ when he firsts meets him again in his llama form. The only way either one of them would have any knowledge of demons or similar creatures of Hades is if they had once lived there and seen them themselves. You have to remember that the Incans had their own view of the world they lived in and at that time knew nothing about western ideas of the afterlife. So the fact that they would have any shared knowledge about it is unusual.

There are also all of the slapstick-type-of-situations that Kuzco and Pacha find themselves in that are very similar to the kind of mistakes Panic and Pain would make. For example, Panic and Pain do not give every drop of the potion that is meant to take away Hercules’s powers, which allows Hercules to retain his strength and still be eligible to become a full God. Kuzco and Pacha have all sorts of misadventures on route to returning Kuzco to his palace. Misadventures that a seasoned famer who knows the land very well, and a well-educated Emperor who although arrogant, should be familiar with the layout of his kingdom, both should not have.

Finally, there is the obvious similarity between Yzma’s character and Hades’ character. Besides having very similar character designs, they both are powerful magic users who use potions as one of the main ways to wreak havoc on their enemies. There is also the interesting way they view authority figures; something they roll their eyes at and put up with until such an opportunity arises to take their positions from them. It could very well be that Yzma is actually Hades in disguise, whose real purpose is to reclaim his to minions and return to the underworld.

However, Hades (as Yzma) does not succeed in killing Kuzco or Pacha (thus sending them back to the underworld to be his minions) and turns into a cat instead. He is stuck like this for quite some time until he changes back to his original form some time later, decides that getting his minion is more trouble than it is worth, and returns to the underworld.

This leaves Kuzco and Pacha free to live as humans for the rest of their days. They would go on to star in a television series and movie sequel that no one really ever cared to watch because neither story followed the cannon of the original movie. Also, people had already moved on to better Disney themed adventures such as the long list of crappy sequels that followed their releases.

Hades rolled his eyes at this, appearing in the television series as Yzma whenever his agent told him to. He still managed to get the reformed Pain and Panic back at the end of the day though, since they had turned into mortals and eventually had to die. He found them rather useless in their human forms as they didn’t have any special powers and had forgotten that they were ever his minions to begin with. He immediately sent them into the River of Souls along with the souls of all of their mortal family members while he laughed manically from the cliff overlooking them, bringing everything full-circle.


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