Parodypasta Theory: Emperor Kuzco and Pacha vs. Panic and Pain
By: Emma Lee Downs
Many people are familiar with the classic Disney film The Emperor’s New Groove and the animated Disney movie classic Hercules. But what people don’t know is that Emperor Kuzco and the tall blue imp Panic are actually the same character. Pacha and fat red imp Pain are pretty much the same character as well. I don’t mean that the same voice actors that played Panic and Pain also played Kuzco and Pacha or that the character designs of Kuzco and Pacha were inspired by the familiar servants of Hades from the epic Disney film. I mean that they are literally the same characters.
First of all, there is the obvious similarity between the wise-cracking remarks made by Kuzco and Panic and Pacha and Pain. These two comedy duos also have a similar dynamic, playing off each’s other faults for laughs. Emperor Kuzco and Panic are both intelligent and have a bit of a mean streak. Pacha and Pain are both down-to-earth characters that prefer to remain low-key.
Emperor Kuzco and Panic look exactly the same, save the fact that Panic is tall, blue, and some kind of weird goblin thing. I don’t know, that was never really explained. Also, Pain looks exactly like Pacha, save the fact that Pain is red and isn’t married yet due to the fact that it was harder to get married in ancient Greece. The Gods and Goddess often liked to pick on married people, which is why a lot of people chose to be single and go on adventures to distract themselves from an entire existence of never being able to go on a date. This is where all of the great Greek legends came from. It’s amazing the things that can get done when you don’t have to worry about a significant other in your life.
Now, this all seems like a far stretch of the imagination but it isn’t as weird as some of the other theories floating around the internet. I mean have you ever read that one theory about Angelica from the Rugrats being a schizophrenic druggie? It’s a doozy. Read it if you are bored one day. Trust me when I tell you that it won’t fail to entertain. This theory makes about as much sense as that one, so give it a chance. Anyway, enough of advertising other theories which I secretly like and think everyone should read but will never admit it so I pass it off as a b-rated joke in one of my own pastas. Let’s get back to my theory which is the best and most awesome theory on the internet because it involves Disney characters.
At the end of Hercules, Hades gets sucked down into the River of Souls. Pain and Panic make the remark that he might not get out of there. It’s clear from further legends about Hades that he eventually does, but by that time, Pain and Panic were already on their way to South America to start a new life free of crime. You could tell that that wanted to turn over a new leaf at the end of Hercules due to the fact that they really didn’t care that their master was drowning in the River of Souls. In fact, it almost seemed like they kind of enjoyed watching it which kind of makes them weirdos if you ask me, but that is beside the point.
The point it that they decided to go to South America because they always wanted to know what things were like there, having never visited it since it is on the other side of the world. It took them something like a hundred years or more to reach the continent, because they kept stopping on every major continent of the world to check out the local scenery and pick up souvenirs. They would later end up losing all of the purchased goods when they reached their destination rendering the purchase of the items a complete waste of time and money.
When Pain and Panic finally reached South America a hundred or more years later (notably free of any acquired merchandise from their journey), Pain decided to change his name to Kuzco and become the leader of the Incan empire because he always wanted to know what it was like to be in charge. He poofed himself into the form of a human baby tucked neatly into a basket with the nametag ‘Kuzco’ pinned to his infant jumper. He left himself on the doorstep of the royal castle-temple-like-thing. The current Emperor and Empress picked him up after hearing all of the crying outside. After some thought, they decided to raise him as their official successor to the throne since they couldn’t have any kids of their own and his appearance at their doorstep was oddly convenient.
Panic decided to change his name to Pacha, and poof himself into the form of a human toddler. He wandered up to an old couple who owned a llama farm and were the leaders of a local village. He was adopted by them on the spot. Later, he got married to a mortal woman named Chicha. He took over one of his parent’s farms when he grew up and became the leader of another village nearby that had been run by his mother’s side of the family for six generations. When he was not running the village he worked as a humble farmer to provide for his new family. He had a few kids because he also wanted to know what it was like to be a father.
You might be wondering why it seemed like Pacha had never formally met Kuzco before at the beginning of the film if they had in fact been imp friends in the old days. This is because they had lived apart from one another for so long that they actually did kind of forget that they used to work together. They also forgot that they were once goblin-like-creatures, having lived as human beings for so long that they actually turned into them.
There are a few hints in the Emperor’s New Groove that they are in fact the same characters though. For example, when the Emperor Kuzco has a flashback to what his life used to be like before being turned into a llama, many of the scenes are similar to the way Hades acted as lord of the underworld. The only way Kuzco would know how to act like this is if he witnessed it first hand as Hades’ assistant Pain. The first time Pacha meets Kuzco in the flashback, they immediately ‘click’ like they have known each other in a previous life. Or, rather, in another time when they both worked together as Hades’ minions in the days of ancient Greece.
Another hint that they were once ethereal servants of Hades is the fact that Pacha calls Kuzco a ‘demon llama’ when he firsts meets him again in his llama form. The only way either one of them would have any knowledge of demons or similar creatures of Hades is if they had once lived there and seen them themselves. You have to remember that the Incans had their own view of the world they lived in and at that time knew nothing about western ideas of the afterlife. So the fact that they would have any shared knowledge about it is unusual.
There are also all of the slapstick-type-of-situations that Kuzco and Pacha find themselves in that are very similar to the kind of mistakes Panic and Pain would make. For example, Panic and Pain do not give every drop of the potion that is meant to take away Hercules’s powers, which allows Hercules to retain his strength and still be eligible to become a full God. Kuzco and Pacha have all sorts of misadventures on route to returning Kuzco to his palace. Misadventures that a seasoned famer who knows the land very well, and a well-educated Emperor who although arrogant, should be familiar with the layout of his kingdom, both should not have.
Finally, there is the obvious similarity between Yzma’s character and Hades’ character. Besides having very similar character designs, they both are powerful magic users who use potions as one of the main ways to wreak havoc on their enemies. There is also the interesting way they view authority figures; something they roll their eyes at and put up with until such an opportunity arises to take their positions from them. It could very well be that Yzma is actually Hades in disguise, whose real purpose is to reclaim his to minions and return to the underworld.
However, Hades (as Yzma) does not succeed in killing Kuzco or Pacha (thus sending them back to the underworld to be his minions) and turns into a cat instead. He is stuck like this for quite some time until he changes back to his original form some time later, decides that getting his minion is more trouble than it is worth, and returns to the underworld.
This leaves Kuzco and Pacha free to live as humans for the rest of their days. They would go on to star in a television series and movie sequel that no one really ever cared to watch because neither story followed the cannon of the original movie. Also, people had already moved on to better Disney themed adventures such as the long list of crappy sequels that followed their releases.
Hades rolled his eyes at this, appearing in the television series as Yzma whenever his agent told him to. He still managed to get the reformed Pain and Panic back at the end of the day though, since they had turned into mortals and eventually had to die. He found them rather useless in their human forms as they didn’t have any special powers and had forgotten that they were ever his minions to begin with. He immediately sent them into the River of Souls along with the souls of all of their mortal family members while he laughed manically from the cliff overlooking them, bringing everything full-circle.
There is a cursed Yu-Gi-Oh deck out there that will bring misfortune to anyone who owns it. The way you can tell it apart from other sets in the franchise is that every card has a line of text written somewhere under their description that reads, “This deck is haunted. Lol. Sucks to be you.”
If you receive this deck, immediately bring it to a used book store as this is the only place it will accept being dropped off at. Should you actually manage to sell or trade it to another source while it is in your possession, it will reappear in your home and start to cause trouble for you again within three hours. It will also start to harass your neighbors who will blame you for the pranks the card set plays on them. That is why it is important to trade it in or sell it at your local used bookstore before its antics get out of hand.
Also, don’t attempt to bless the deck or rid it of its dark energy as it will just laugh at you and spit tomato juice in your face. This Yu-Gi-Oh deck was created by the black magic of the Illuminati Wizards to get back at the Freemasons for not inviting them to a company BBQ in 1998. They created the deck by taking the best cards currently owned by members of the organization, sticking them in a large black cauldron filled with dry ice, and stirring the cards around while singing the Pokémon theme song.
This blatant disrespect for the Yu-Gi-Oh franchise (which isn’t like Pokémon in the least), summoned the spirit of a game genie who began to lecture them on the differences between the franchises. While the game genie was distracted, the Illuminati Wizards said an incantation that trapped it in the deck of cards.
The game genie swore to seek revenge on anyone who dared to own the deck as it was angry about being trapped inside the card set against its will. With that, the Illuminati Wizards gave the Freemasons the deck at a Christmas gift exchange party. The Freemasons blindly accepted the gift, as it is well known that they like collecting all sorts of card games such as Magic the Gathering, Pokémon, and Munchkin.
It wasn’t until they decided to use the deck in their annual Yu-Gi-Oh dueling competition that they learned of the dark powers the cards possessed. The set always made them lose a duel, no matter how good their cards were. The game genie also played pranks on anyone who got near the deck. It was clear that the unholy power of the cursed object was out of control.
The Freemasons tried to send the deck back to the Illuminati Wizards with a note of apology for not inviting them to the company BBQ after they learned about the reason the Illuminati had sent the deck in the first place. However, the deck would always come back within three hours of sending it off and continue to play pranks on the Freemasons.
It was only by chance that the Freemasons were able to get rid of the deck, when a member named Brother Yom accidentally traded it with some other items at a local bookstore. When the deck didn’t come back they were so happy to be rid of it that they hosted a game night and of course made sure to invite the Illuminati Wizards. They had learned their lesson. From that moment on, they would never forget to invite the Illuminati Wizards to another company event again.
Today the Yu-Gi-Oh deck travels from one used bookstore to the next, haunting anyone who is unlucky enough to take it home with them. It pranks its owner endlessly, and often murmurs bad jokes or puns to itself when it is not being used. It also causes its owner to lose at every card game or tabletop game they attempt to play while in possession of the card set. Eventually, it makes various game pieces go missing from any other game set the person owns, making it impossible to play any other game but Yu-Gi-Oh. This forces the owner to use the haunted Yu-Gi-Oh deck which will never let them win a match, even if they have the perfect hand.
Many people have tried to free the spirit of the game genie in order to be left with an epic Yu-Gi-Oh card deck, as it happens to be the best collection of game cards ever put into a single deck. However, the game genie decided a long time ago that it enjoys pulling pranks on people way too much and always sabotages any attempt to send it home.
That is why it always ends up back at a used bookstore, ready to haunt the next unsuspecting person who buys it thinking they got the deal of the century, as it is always on the shelf at a discounted price.
So if you ever see an impossibly good Yu-Gi-Oh deck at a used bookstore, that seems to be on sale, make sure for your own well-being that it doesn’t have the infamous words, “This deck is haunted. Lol. Sucks to be you.”Printed on the cards. For if those words are present and you bring the card set home unaware of their dark power, you will become another victim of its twisted sense of humor, bad puns, and endless pranks.
Parodypasta: The Most Horrible Curse in the Universe ZOMG TM
By: Emma Lee Downs
You might have heard of a curse called ‘The Most Horrible Curse in the Universe ZOMG TM’ from your friends at school or maybe from your officemates at your job. If you are a weirdo who likes to place curses on other people for no apparent reason then this guide is for you. It will help you to become even more of a social outcast because people will fear your curse casting abilities. If it doesn’t bother you that possessing the knowledge of this curse will pretty much get you excluded from every social gathering for the rest of your life, then read on.
First I will tell you what the curse does, hoping that if you know the effects it has when you cast it, you will pick up a better hobby like playing videogames or building model airplanes. The moment you cast ‘The Most Horrible Curse in the Universe ZOMG TM’ you will notice that your skin will turn a dingy green color. Don’t worry, this is only a temporary side effect and should go away within an hour of placing the curse. Next you will notice that you will pass gas for at least twenty-four hours nonstop. This is also normal and you will literally run out of gas the next day. Pun very much intended.
Keep in mind that during the time you are breaking wind, the smell will be so horrible that it might cause the people around you to pass out. If you are okay with this, just stand wherever you please and toot away. However, if you don’t find this amusing, be sure to keep to yourself until the full twenty-four hours have passed. The next day you will notice that your fingernails will turn a grimy yellow color. This is due to the fungus that the curse has shoved between each of your fingernails. Whatever you do, DO NOT remove the fungus. If you remove it, the curse will be broken and you will be cursed to have bad gas for seven years. The fungus will go away on its own at the end of the day so there is no need to remove it.
On the third day, provided you have followed all of the rules, the curse will take effect. Whoever you have placed the curse on will grow really big feet, a pair of bucked teeth, and a set of goat horns. They will also have really bad breath, smell like recycled yard sale goods, and only be able to communicate in outdated lingo from the 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s. Because of this, everyone they speak to will think they are lame and hang out with the more popular individuals in their social group. They will find some solace by connecting to other cursed goat people who have had the same curse placed on them by looking them up on online dating websites like The Goat Connection or the goat version of Facebook called BaaBook. However, should they get married to another goat person, all of their children will be weird duck/ human hybrids because of the laws of psychics.
Strangely, the duck/human hybrids will have normal human babies if they get married to other duck people or even if they get married to humans, because of the complicated rules of genetics. In this way, the curse will be broken by the third generation provided that the goat person chooses to get married and their children choose to get married. However, if the goat person chooses to feel sorry for themselves and never hooks up with anyone, they will be a loner goat who remains that way until they die. The same rule applies to the duck people. There is absolutely no way to break this curse except for getting married and waiting for the third generation to be normal which is why it is ‘The Most Horrible Curse in the Universe ZOMG TM’. They don’t just give things like this these kinds of titles for their own health, you know.
If all of this hasn’t convinced you to not cast this curse on someone and you still wish to attempt it then…dang. You need some serious therapy. But that aside, here are steps of how you cast this curse on the people of your choosing. First you need to get a bucket and fill it with equal parts water and JELLO mix. You may need to use several packages of JELLO mix to make sure the powder fills half of the bucket. This shouldn’t be a problem though as most stores practically give boxes of JELLO away due to the fact that it’s weird and jiggles when no one is looking. Once you have the bucket filled with equal parts of water and JELLO mix, stir it until all of the JELLO mix is dissolved into the water while chanting, “Moogle, moogle, moogle, moogle, sheep, moogle, duck” at least three times.
Once the mix is dissolved and you have finished chanting the words above, stand in the bucket and flap your arms like a duck five times while making goat noises. Then point your right hand toward the sky and call out the names of the people you want to place the curse on. Call out their names seven times each and then flap your arms like a chicken, bark like a dog, and get out of the bucket. When you leave the bucket, immediately dump its contents out somewhere like on the grass in the backyard and then clap your hands three times.
Provided that you have followed all of these steps, the curse will be placed on the people you mentioned during the ritual. All of the signs that you have casted the curse correctly mentioned earlier will appear. You must make sure that all of the steps of the curse are followed at all costs or you will end up placing the curse on yourself. There is also the risk of turning yourself into a frog or toad if you don’t use cherry flavored JELLO for the ritual or a solid metal bucket. Make sure that you say all of the words in the ritual exact amount of times or you will be forced to watch reruns of the Teletubbies for at least a week against your will.
Now you know how to cast ‘The Most Horrible Curse in the Universe ZOMG TM,’ the most dangerous and creepy curse of them all. Before you go off to curse all of the people you don’t like, just remember that they have probably read this article and they also know how to cast this curse on YOU. So go ahead and get that much needed therapy and start making LOTS of friends, or you just might end up becoming the curse’s next victim.
Parodypasta: The League of Creepypasta Supervillains
A short story by Emma Lee Downs.
Summary: In every major city in the world there is an old abandoned warehouse that is home to the local League of Creepypasta Supervillains. Join the story’s antiheroes as they attend the annual League evaluation and comedy ensues.
Parodypasta: The League of Creepypasta Supervillains
By: Emma Lee Downs
In every major city in the world there is an old abandoned warehouse that is home to the local League of Creepypasta Supervillains. This league varies depending on the location, but today we going to focus on a very special league that makes its home in Burlington, Vermont. This supervillain group is composed of some of the very well-known villains on the internet including Jeff the Killer, Slenderman, Jane The Killer, Black Eyes Kids, and the organization leader, Ben (Drowned).
Today we join our antiheroes as they attend the annual League evaluation. You see, to stay in the LOCS, each member has to prove that they are scary enough to be part of the organization. If they can’t prove their worth, they are moved to the League’s sister organization, the Alliance of Trollpasta Supervillains. Once there they must undergo thorough training in the scary arts until they are creepy enough to be accepted back into the League again.
As the head of the Burlington League, Ben (Drowned) is issuing all of the tests on this fine Halloween Eve. And so another year of evaluations is set to take place.
Ben (Drowned) Looked over his recruits with an obvious look of distain. He always hated evaluation day because his group of supervillains always barely made the cut. He shook his head as he paced back and forth in front of them.
“Well it’s that time of year again when I have to put you maggots to the test. Of all the supervillains I could have received from headquarters I got you sorry pathetic excuses for creepypasta terrors. Did you know that the London branch has Jack the Ripper? As in the real guy? And what do I get stuck with? You rejects! You better have improved since the last evaluation or being transferred to the AOTS will be the least of your worries. Do you understand?”
All of the members said, “Sir, yes sir!” in unison except for Slendy who held up a sign that said the same thing as he didn’t have a mouth to speak with. Ben (Drowned) sighed and put a clipboard he was holding to eye-level so he could read the names of the members he had to evaluate first. When he read it he grumbled something to himself and then said louder, “Black Eyed Kids, I need you to step forward now!”
There were many BEKs in the world as they were the unfulfilled souls of children and teenager so naturally each organization had a few. In this particular branch there were four: Blinky, Pinky, Inky, and Clyde each named after the Pac Man ghosts by headquarters as they had long forgotten their original names. Ben (Drowned) felt this was a mockery of his organization by headquarters as his branch held the bottom of the barrel supervillains. But since it was an order from above, there wasn’t much he could do about it. This added to his annoyance over his position in the organization. He was part of the Zelda franchise for God’s sake. Couldn’t they cut him some slack?
At the moment Ben (Drowned) was thinking of renegotiating his contract with Headquarters the BEKS stepped forward, each staring at him with their soulless black eyes. Ben (Drowned) was unfazed. Their eyes might have been soulless but the way they were placed on the children made them look more like oversized Precious Moments dolls than anything else. He tapped his fingers against the clipboard and gave each one a glance up and down.
“You BEKS are as lame as ever I see,” he began, noting that they had updated their clothing to reflect the latest trends among adolescents, preteens, and teens.
“But I won’t hold your apparent lack of ghost apparel against you as you have other assets to work with like, oh I don’t know, THE THING YOU WERE NAMED AFTER.”
At this he got in the face of each one and yelled, “What the heck is with those cute eyes, huh? You are supposed to be terrors of the night, not some anime Chibi rejects!”
The BEKS immediately changed their eyes to something more fitting their description and then they each said in unison, “Sir, yes sir!”
Ben (Drowned) grunted.
“That’s more like it. Now, each one of you will give me a report of your best scare of the year. I will start with…Inky.”
Inky, a BEK with long black hair and a blue baseball cap gave a salute and stepped forward.
“Sir, yes sir. I will now tell you about my best scare, sir!”
Ben (Drowned) rubbed his temples, mentally preparing himself for what he was about to hear.
“Just get on with it.”
Inky nervously shuffled in place.
“Eh…Yes sir. Well last Tuesday I think I really scared this kid who was at the supermarket with his mom. But then I felt kind of bad so I invited him over to my place to play a game of hide and seek with the other BEKS. His mom was kind of getting worried though so I brought him back without his memories and put him somewhere the mom could find him. But you could tell she was really worried when he was gone. I must have given her the scare of the century! I did good this time boss, didn’t I?”
Inky’s look of enthusiasm was met with a deadpan expression from Ben (Drowned).
“That has to be THE LAMEST excuse for a ghost story I have heard since…well the last time you gave me a report. Get back in formation before I get angry.”
Inky gave a quick salute and scrambled back to the lineup.
Ben (Drowned) let out a heavy sigh and called the next recruit forward.
“Blinky, it’s your turn to report. I hope your story will be more thrilling than the last.”
The BEK wearing a red baseball cap with short, wavy black hair stepped forward.
“Yes sir! I think you will be pleased with my report. A few weeks ago I morphed my body into the shape of a professor and taught a class about parasites! You should have seen how scared the students were when they left. Even I was a bit grossed out by the topic. I think this is my best scare yet!”
Ben (Drowned) glared at the recruit for a few moments in silence, letting his disapproval of Blinky’s antics sink in.
Then he barked, “I am not sure how you managed to beat the complete and utter lack terror present in the last story, but somehow you did. In fact that story was so bad, that I am almost inclined to say it is good out of sheer irony. Now get back in the lineup and reflect on being a better ghost will you?”
Blinky nodded furiously and then got back in formation.
Ben (Drowned) sat looking at the next name on the list for a few moments before continuing on. He considered not calling her name at all as he was certain she had nothing valuable to report but he knew that would be against the rules of headquarter so he called her forward anyway.
“Pinky, get out here and tell me about your progress. I say progress because I know for a fact you haven’t been terrorizing anyone. Well, give a report anyway.”
Pinky, a BEK with shoulder length black hair parted into two braids which sat on each side of her face and wearing a pink baseball cap stepped forward.
“Yay, I love story time!”
Ben (Drowned) rolled his eyes.
“Unfortunately, I know this all too well. Get on with it.”
“A few days ago, I went to the arcade and played DDR with a group of teenagers. It was so much fun! I managed to hide my eyes pretty good too. One guy even said I was pretty. I might have a boyfriend! Of course he will need to get over the whole me being a ghost thing. But anything is possible with true love, wouldn’t you agree? I am so excited to introduce him to the other BEKs. I’m inviting him over for a gaming day at my place next week.”
Ben (Drowned) let out a heavy sigh.
“I would tell you to stop dating the people you are supposed to scare, but I’ve given up on trying to teach you any kind of common sense. It’s not worth the effort. Just…just get back in line before I say things I don’t mean.”
Pinky said, “Okay!” And then giggled as she skipped back into formation.
Ben (Drowned) look down at his clipboard trying to ignore the pinching sensation beginning to form at the sides of his temples which he feared might be another stress induced headache coming on.
“Alright, I saved the best for last. And I use that word in the context of the rest of you of course who have somehow managed to do worse than when you reported to me last year. This is a feat I thought was impossible. But oh how I was proved wrong. Clyde, please tell me that you have at least one thing noteworthy to report. Just one thing.”
The BEK in question, who had short spiky black hair and wore an orange baseball cap, stepped forward.
“I’ve got a good one for you sir!”
Ben (Drowned) remained expressionless.
“Oh how the word ‘good’ has lost its meaning to me over the years of working with you people. In case, do carry on.”
Clyde gave a sideways grin.
“This one is a killer. You see, a few weeks ago, I made myself look like an obese plumber and I stormed into the girl’s dressing room of a high school. To add to the effect I told them that I needed to fix a leaky faucet. I think some plumbers crack was visible in the back of my getup too which added to the overall creepiness. They all screamed upon seeing my fat, harry, sweaty plumber form. Of course I think a lot of it was due to the fact that I was a guy in the girl’s locker room. But let me tell you, they all were running and screaming within minutes of me going in. It was great!”
Ben (Drowned) had to physically keep himself from tossing the clipboard on the floor in front of him and storming away from the group of rejects in defeat.
After taking a few deep healing breaths he thought long and hard about what he was going to tell the BEKs.
Then he leaned in close to each one and shouted, “Somehow each of you has managed to get the lowest scare rankings in the history of our organization. The ONLY reason this surprises me is because I really didn’t think you could do worse than the last time, but your latest adventures have really taken the cake. You’ve all earned yourselves one way passes to the Alliance of Trollpasta Supervillains unless you can think of one good reason why I should torture myself by keeping you here!”
Pinky giggled and twirled the end of one of her braids around her fingers.
“Oh, I know. We recruited more members. Doesn’t that give us an automatic pass no matter what?”
Ben (Drowned) nodded.
“Unfortunately…yes. That is how you sorry excuses for creatures of the night end up passing your test every year and continuing to annoy me with your presences in this organization. As a formality I am going to tell you how to improve, although I doubt any amount of advice I give will be of any help to you.”
“Sir, yes sir!” They said in unison, eager to receive their evaluations.
Ben (Drowned) mumbled some words under his breath and then pointed at Inky.
“I’ll start with You! When you haunt kids and take them away, DON’T BRING THEM BACK. I don’t care how sad or lonely they are. That is ghost lesson number one.”
“Yes sir!” Said Inky, happy to receive her orders from the boss.
Ben (Drowned) put a checkmark next to her name and then pointed at Blinky.
“As for you, giving educational lessons to the youth is NOT IN YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION! Next time, turn into your ghost form and scare kids the way you are supposed to. Do you understand?”
Blinky gave an earnest salute.
“Sir, yes sir!” He said and then wrote down the advice on how he could improve on a small notepad he had brought to the meeting.
Ben (Drowned) put a checkmark next to his name and then pointed to Pinky.
“And as for you…I don’t even know where to begin. There is so much wrong with your approach to scarring people that I wouldn’t have enough time to list everything. But you can start by scaring kids and STOP TRYING TO DATE THEM. Are we clear on this?”
Pinky let out an exasperated sigh.
“Fine. I’ll cancel my date with Travis. He probably wouldn’t understand that I’m a ghost anyway.”
Ben (Drowned) put a mark next to Pinky’s name and then pointed to Clyde.
“Last but certainly not least, is you. Out of this entire group of BEK idiots you have the most potential. But your approach is always wrong. Let me just inform you, that walking into the girl’s locker room disguised as a fat plumber is NOT SCARY IN THE LEAST. Next time, appear in the locker room in your ghost form and I don’t know, add in some wailing sounds or something for effect. Do I need to spell it out for you?”
“No sir! I’ll do better next time sir!” He said, after giving a quick salute.
Ben (Drowned) checked his notes to make sure they would meet the organization’s approval and then turned back to face the members of his branch with a large frown on his face.
“Although I would like to believe that you idiots will follow my advice, I have my doubts. Now I will move onto the next evaluation before my headache gets any worse.”
He looked at the next name on the list and then said, “Jeff The Killer, please step forward and tell me your best scare of the year. Hurry up. I don’t have all day.”
Jeff stepped forward and stared at Ben (Drowned) with his yellow, lidless eyes.
“Sir, yes sir! Jeffy The Killer is reporting in.”
Ben (Drowned) took a good look at Jeff from top to bottom and then rubbed his forehead with his thumb and index finger. His headache was getting worse by the second and he still had a long way to go.
“I have told you this multiple times, Jeff. Stop wearing clown makeup. And stop making your body appear white to add to the effect. If you look like a clown, you character will be too similar to the joker and the organization doesn’t want another lawsuit on their hands.”
Jeff stuck out his lower lip in a pouting motion.
“Aww, why so serious?”
Ben (Drowned) promptly smacked Jeff over the head with his clipboard.
“And that’s another thing; stop using the Joker’s catchphrases. It is going to get us in trouble with DC comics. Do you understand?”
Jeff shrugged and snapped his fingers. No sooner had he done so, all of the clown pain melted away. However, the white ghostly complexion still remained. Ben (Drowned) tapped his foot impatiently.
“You’ve gotten rid of the clown makeup. Now the pasty, white completion has got to go. Come on. Stop wasting all of our time.”
Jeff let out a sigh and snapped his fingers again. His skin turned into a pale blue color with darkened edges.
“I like my white skin though, Benny. I would only do this for you.”
Ben (Drowned) shot Jeff a look.
“Do NOT call me Benny. You know that I hate that. Now, get on with telling me about your best scare of the year.”
Jeff laughed manically and then said, “Oh this is a good one. It will put all of the other reports to shame, I can guarantee that!”
Ben (Drowned) huffed.
“Yes, well I’ll be the judge of that. Go on.”
Jeff rubbed his hands together as if he was plotting something wicked and then said, “Three months ago I snuck into a man’s house and starting making ghostly noises. You know, the door slamming. The floorboards creaking. All of the standard stuff. I did this every night for a month. Then I started letting him hear the unsettling noises during the day, everywhere he went. The guy thought he had lost his mind! Then at the last minute I appeared and told him to Go To Sleep. Unfortunately, he was completely crazy by then so for some reason he thought I was funny. I ended up being his personal jester for a few weeks until they carted him off to the loony bin. But before that, he really was scared. You should have seen the look on his face hearing the same creepy noises night after night. It was classic!”
Ben (Drowned)’s expression remained unchanged.
“So you mean to tell me that your biggest accomplishment this year is helping to push an already mentally disturbed person off the deep end? Oh but it doesn’t end there. Your victim thought you were funny. They even sounded like they enjoyed getting carted away to the funny farm. It isn’t our job to entertain crazy people! Get back in formation right now so I can give you your full evaluation.”
Jeff cocked his head to one side.
He muttered, “Hmm…I thought it was a good one for sure,” before floating back to his space in line next to the other organization members.
Ben (Drowned) stared Jeff down and roared, “You barely passed this year’s evaluation on account of the fact that your approach was creative. But like usual, your execution was WAY OFF. You are a mascot pasta. Your job is to scare your victims; not drive them to the loony bin. And you certainly don’t entertain them for laughs. Do you understand?”
Jeff brought his head up from its sideways pose and gave a lazy salute.
“Whatever you say Benny.”
Ben (Drowned) Smacked Jeff with his clipboard again and then checked Jeff’s name off of the list.
“I told you not to call me that. Anyway, off to the next member. Let’s see here…”
Jeff glanced at the next name and turned pale. It was the first time since the meeting started that he genuinely felt intimidated. He tried not to let his discomfort show as he called the next name.
“Jane The Killer, please step forward.”
Jane slinked forward from the lineup of organization members, giggling insanely as she went.
“I like it when it’s my turn to play.” She said between crazed chuckles.
Ben (Drowned) cleared his throat.
“Well, you aren’t really here to play, are you? Just give me a summary of the best scary thing you’ve done this year so we can get this meeting over with.”
Jane giggled some more and then said, “Before I came to the meeting, I set all of your houses on fire. I liked watching them slowly burn to ash one by one. I felt that it went well with that old kid’s song, so I sung along as the houses burned. Ring around the rosie, Pockets full of poesies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down. See, see how well it goes? It was ever so delightful. Judging by the way all of you are looking at me right now, I think I did a good job of scarring people. That should give me an automatic pass for sure.”
Ben (Drowned) remained silent as he immediately took out his cellphone to dial in a 5-8 emergency. Two men in suits showed up in front of him a few minutes later and waited for further instruction.
Ben pointed toward where the company houses were located with a grim look on his face.
“Jane set the organization housing units on fire. Get all of the personnel gathered and fix the problem as quickly as possible. Use supernatural building techniques if necessary. I expect a complete rebuild by the end of the meeting.”
The two men saluted and ran off to gather more men to complete the task. With the immediate problem solved, Ben (Drowned) instructed Jane to get back in line and await her evaluation. Jane complied, laughing insanely as she went.
Ben (Drowned) shot Jane a look and yelled, “You crazy little pop tart. You are full aware that it is against organization policy to scare or harm fellow LOCS members. That little stunt of yours has surely earned you a one way ticket to the Alliance of Trollpasta Supervillains. That is unless by some miracle you can think of way to redeem yourself.”
Jane was silent for a few minutes, enjoying the extreme fear she had driven into the hearts of her fellow teammates.
Ben (Drowned) impatiently tapped his fingers against the main face of his clipboard.
Jane gave a creepy smile and said, “I recruited a new member a few days ago. She is my new special friend. According to organization rules, that means I get an automatic pass. Here she is!”
Jane held up the famous haunted Ragedy Anne doll Annabell. Annabell gave a salute with one of her patchwork arms.
Ben (Drowned) shook his head.
“I don’t even want to know how you managed to get your hands on that…thing. Very well. As Annabell will probably up the scary level of our organization, you get a pass by recommendation. But don’t you ever pull a crazy stunt like that on fellow organization members again. Have I made myself clear?”
“Oh I won’t cause any more trouble for the organization. Annabell and I will be too busy making new friends.”
The thought of Annabell and Jane causing trouble together sent a chill up Ben’s spine. He shook off the feeling as he placed a check next to Jane’s name and moved on to evaluate the last member on the list.
“Slenderman, it is your turn.”
Slenderman came floating forward from the lineup, his back tentacles moving in all directions as he went.
Ben (Drowned) gave him a look up and down and rolled his eyes.
“You are still wearing that suit, I see. How many times do I have to tell you that dressing like that does not make you look intimidating?”
Slendy held up a sign that read, “It makes me look stylish.”
Ben (Drowned) let out a heavy sigh.
“Well headquarters doesn’t really impose a dress code, so I can’t fault you on wanting to keep up with the latest fashion trends.”
Upon mentioning fashion, the BEKs all giggled in the line.
“Anyways,” Ben (Drowned) continued, “Get on with telling me about your best scare of the year so we can end this meeting and all go home. Well that is provided the organization cleanup team has fixed the company houses by then.”
He shot Jane a look after saying that, who simply chuckled and started to brush Annabell’s hair.
Slendy nodded and held up various signs which together spelled out his story.
All together the signs read, “You are going to love my story. Four months ago, I snuck into the theater four times and watched all the latest releases for free. Last week I double parked my bike on the way back from giving candy to children at the park. On many different occasions I jay walked right in front of the cops. Of course they couldn’t see me as I was in invisible at the time, but I still did it. I even…”
Slendy paused for dramatic effect and then held up some other signs that read, “Didn’t show up for work! You know because I took that office job as a hobby. Isn’t my social disobedience scary?”
Ben (Drowned) pinched the bridge of his nose, deep in thought about what he should say next. His headache was almost reaching a nuclear level at this point. After taking a few calming breaths, he walked up to Slenderman and shouted, “You are a creepypasta mascot like Jeff. Your job isn’t to be a rebel on your days off. It is to scare people. I don’t care how you do it…I don’t even want to know what you are doing until next year’s evaluation. My heart wouldn’t be able to take any more bad scary stories until that time. But however you figure out how to scare people…do it! Now get back in line so I can give you your full report.”
Slenderman held up a sign that said, “K den,” and floated back into line next to his other teammates.
Ben (Drowned) towered over Slendy and barked, “The next time you are at the theater, scare the people watching the movies while you are there! While you are double parking your bike or jaywalking scare any police officer you come across! When you are at the park, strike terror into the hearts of children; DO NOT GIVE THEM CANDY. While you are working at your office job, take some time to intimidate your office mates. It isn’t that hard to figure out but I’ve spelled it out for you. Do you think you can do those simple tasks at the very least? Huh?”
Slenderman nodded furiously and held up a sign that said, “I’ll do my best.”
Ben (Drowned) rubbed his temples and put a check next to Slenderman’s name before continuing on.
“Once again, you barely passed your evaluation. The only reason you passed is on the promise of improvement. You better work hard to scare some people or I am shipping you off to the Alliance of Trollpasta Supervillains for extra training. Do you understand me?”
Slendy held up a sign that said, “Sir, yes sir!”
Ben (Drowned) took out some headache suppressant medication he kept in his pocket and downed a few pills before continuing on.
Once he started the pills to take effect he said, “Your evaluations are over. You are free to take the rest of the day off or oh, I don’t know, actually go out and scare some people.”
Ben (Drowned)’s cell phone vibrated. He answered the call, made some confirmation noises, and then flipped it close, ending the call before turning to face the recruits again.
“It looks like all of the company houses have been rebuilt. You are now also free to return home if you like. So all that being said, this seventh annual evaluation meeting of the League of Creepy Supervillains is officially closed.”
The organization members all gave a final salute and then wandered off to either take the rest of the day off, head home, or work on their various scaring techniques.
Ben (Drowned) watched them all leave, the headache starting to fade if only a little bit. The only highlight of that entire ordeal was that the organization had gained a somewhat credible member in Annabell. He would call her into the office and take care of her paperwork later.
For now he just wanted to forget everything that had just taken place. He returned to his company home, popped in the Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and used it to connect with another Zelda player somewhere in the world. As the player made their way to the Happy Mask Salesman, Ben popped up behind him in his ghost form and said, “help me. I…am Ben.” Ben watched as the player dropped his controller and screamed. He smiled. It was the perfect end to any meeting.
Anyone who grew up with the PlayStation franchise remembers a quirky game series called Spyro the Dragon about a purple dragon (of course named Spyro) who goes on various adventures to save his world from different threats depending on the game. It also had a puzzle solving aspect as you would have to complete different flying zones to unlock abilities or collect dragon eggs.
However, few people are familiar with a rather…unusual version of the original platform game. Most of the copies of the game play perfectly fine but there are a few that have caused some controversy in the gamer community. If you play some versions of this game at midnight, under the full moon, after doing three rounds of the chicken dance, you will notice that all of the sheep in the game will change.
Usually, Spyro can charge the sheep and make them turn into butterflies for his dragonfly companion Sparx to eat to gain health. However, after doing the ritual above the sheep will not turn into butterflies. When you run into them, they will die. Their corpses will lie on the ground and from their body will rise a green hued ghost sheep who will start to follow you around. As it follows you around, it will make bleating noises and stare at you with its red ghost sheep eyes.
This will happen to every sheep you try to turn into a butterfly. Pretty soon, if you continue to kill sheep, an entire herd of ghost sheep will start following you around bleating and staring at you with those weird googly red eyes. No matter what you do to get rid of the sheep, they will follow you wherever you go, even into other levels, worlds, and portals.
Some people say that the game glitch originated because the developers wanted to create a feature in the game that taught kids to be nice to animals, similar to how the chickens that attack Link in The Legend of Zelda series were designed to teach kids not to go around smacking animals in games for fun. Some sources say that in the original concept of the game, Spyro was meant to get health for Sparx by buying food for him at a market or feeding him gems. This feature was changed later on to reflect the current sheep option so the game code had to be overwritten.
However the code in all of the original games was not overwritten correctly, accounting for the weird game glitch in certain copies. If you happen to get a copy of this game, do not activate the game glitch. It sounds innocent enough, but after a while…those sheep will ruin your life. They will start to show up in the real world and bleat at you when you are trying to sleep. They will make farting noises at you when you are trying to take a test at school. They will stare at you with their weird red eyes when you are standing in line at the DMV.
And the worst thing is that you will be the only person who can see them. I’m telling you this because I made the mistake of activating the ghost sheep code. Now these sheep haunt me every single day. They show up everywhere I go. They borrow my car without asking. They eat all of my food. They throw parties at my house when I’m out of town and can’t keep an eye on them. I’m telling you that these sheep are out of control. I wish I had never activated that code. I’ve tried calling the exterminator, but since I am the only person who can see the sheep, spraying chemicals isn’t very effective.
I’ve tried to work out my differences with them but they don’t appear to understand my language. They interpret everything I say as confirmation that they should keep bothering me. There is absolutely nothing I can do to get rid of them. They also haunt me when I play the Spyro games, making it impossible for me to advance in any level. When people learn I haven’t been able to beat the Spyro games they laugh and shun me as a gamer. I am now labeled as the worst gamer in the whole universe and possibly of all time. Those sheep have made me a social outcast in the gamer community. I will never be able to show my face at another gaming convention ever again.
The only thing I can do is warn you not to make the same mistake as me. Do not invoke the wrath of the sheep. Never summon them or they will haunt you for the rest of your life. In fact, don’t even play the original Spyro game. If you do you might accidentally activate the haunted sheep code by mistake. And you will be doomed, like me, to be haunted by green hued ghost sheep forever.
I will now tell you about a game I learned about at summer camp a few years ago called Ghost Monopoly. I warn you; don’t play this game if you have a small attention span as you will probably fall asleep. Also, make sure you have all of the pieces. If you summon the ghosts and they find out some of the game money is missing, they will use items from your fridge as currency instead. This seems harmless enough, but sometimes they use the rotten or moldy food. This will make the game board smell like old tuna after playing a while. Also, try not to send the ghosts to jail. This is a bit difficult, I know, as pretty much everything in the game is chance. But if the ghosts do happen to land themselves in jail, they will feel sad because it reminds them of their sorry existence in the afterlife. They will immediately leave the game as they need to seek therapy and the game will end there.
If you think you can follow these rules and it isn’t too much of a hassle then I will tell you how to summon the ghosts. To get the ghosts to show up, hold a séance. Contrary to popular belief you really can hold a séance by yourself. All you need is a candle, a magic eight ball, and some emo music playing in the background for effect. I find that playing music by Lincoln Park works best but you can choose any emo band you like. Once the music is playing, light the candle and shake the magic eight ball. Ask the magic eight ball to send ghost players to you so you can play Monopoly. This might take a few tries as the magic eight ball will sometimes tell you to TRY AGAIN LATER.
Once the magic eight ball lands on YES the ghosts will appear and the game of monopoly will begin. Start by introducing yourself to the ghosts. Don’t worry if they don’t answer back as most ghosts are rude and need etiquette lessons. Once you have introduced yourself, let the ghosts choose what game tokens they want to play with. Don’t let them use the car as everyone knows that is the best piece. They will probably be a bit annoyed at this but don’t pay attention to their whining. Remind them that they are dead and they should leave the cool stuff to the living. This will help them to accept your choice and pick out other figures. Once all of the game pieces are chosen the game can begin. Be careful as ghosts tend to cheat at this game. You can usually tell though as they are transparent and aren’t very good at hiding things behind their backs.
You might notice as you play the game that it seems to take forever. There isn’t anything paranormal about this; it is Monopoly. When was the last time you played this game? In some cases, the Monopoly game can go on for weeks. If this happens, just keep playing the ghosts in your spare time, between classes if you are in school, or work hours if you have a full time job. The ghosts are usually polite and wait for you to come home as they are dead and have nothing better to do. If you play the game all of the way through to the end and win, the ghosts will shrug it off and play you again next Tuesday. If you lose, they will all laugh at you and go back to their homes in the netherworld. This isn’t really problem though as you can always just summon them again with another séance and play another round of Ghost Monopoly.
If you do summon the ghosts again you might also try to play ghost poker. It has all of the same rules as regular poker but if you lose you might owe the ghosts money. If this is the case remind the ghosts that they are dead and they don’t need cash where they come from. The ghosts will agree with you and immediately go back to their homes in the afterlife to seek therapy as they don’t like being reminded that they are dead.